Everything is a gift...

I wrote this post exactly 3 months before Enoch was born.  This is what it said.

I really wholeheartedly believe EVERYTHING IS A GIFT.  I haven't adopted this now that "everything in my life is good" or because I finally got pregnant.  It's something that has become more and more evident over time.  That we have come into this world with nothing, that we don't "deserve" anything. You see I've walked a lot of days on this earth angry or sad because something didn't go the way I thought it should... in timing, in outcome, etc.  The problem is I have spent a lot of those days feeling like "I deserve" something and people have encouraged this thought process saying things like, "you deserve a vacation", "you deserve a new car", "you deserve to be a mom" etc.  I understand the sentiment, but the truth is I don't deserve anything.  I entered this world because God allowed me to, he owes me nothing.  In fact, really I deserve damnation, but instead he blesses me, with life, breath, Tim, First Glance, food, etc.  More and more I realize how good these gifts are and I realize they really are GIFTS.  If for some reason some of these things are taken from me, I have no doubt I will mourn the loss of them.  I also know that it was a gift in the first place.  I work hard to keep my hands open to understand that God really is in control.

I had no clue when I wrote this that three months later I would deliver our son, Enoch, who's heart had stopped beating a couple days prior.  I have to say I'm glad I never published this blog.  I'm glad I forgot about it until just a few days ago.  I believed "everything is a gift" when everything was good and I believe it now that my world has been wrecked.  So when I talked about that idea at the funeral, it wasn't because it was the "nice Christian thing to say" it's because it's true for me... it was then, and is now.  

I understand being pregnant with Enoch, getting to meet him, holding him through the night... it was a gift!  

Please know as much as there are moments of peace that God has given us, that I do really see it all as a gift, it doesn't mean my heart isn't broken.  If I'm honest I spend a good chunk of my day in bed staring or crying or both.  I often text my friends "my baby died, I don't know how that happened" because I still can't believe it's true.  I miss Enoch with my whole being and the void of his absence is great.  It's heart breaking, I'm devastated and I feel the loss so very deeply.  

Tim and I live in these two worlds... peace knowing God is in control & seeing pregnancy as a gift, as well as feeling the deep pain of loss.  We talked about these two worlds at Enoch's funeral.  

And this is the last song we sang at the funeral... It is Well.