God healed my mind...

I started this blog because I have to tell this story... I have to tell the story of how God healed my mind, my marriage and my body.  

Last year was a hard year, some may say that's an understatement, I was depressed for a good chunk of the year.  Some of the depression that came was due to outside circumstances that I just needed to work through and as I made it through the summer into fall the depression was lifting.  Unfortunately in November a much deeper anxiety and depression hit.  One that didn’t make logical sense and was deeper and darker than I had ever experienced.   

At that point I was fairly happy with life, my marriage, my job, First Glance, living in Kenmore, etc.  I could articulate that I really liked life, but at the same time was having anxiety attacks and felt suicidal (for no good reason).  I battled hard in my mind, for months.  I genuinely believed the world would be better without me.  I did EVERYTHING in my power to make it better.  I committed to counseling every week, I went on both depression and anxiety medicine, I committed to working out (for my mind more than my body), and I spent time with God FIRST thing.   I knew something was off and I kept telling Tim, I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is broken.  That’s how it felt, so very broken.   In all honesty the default of my mind was suicide... if I had alone time, a few extra minutes unplanned, etc. I was looking up ways to kill myself.  It took EVERYTHING I had to keep those thoughts at bay.  I could stay afloat, but was fighting hard to do so.

Finally I found an intensive counseling place.  Four straight days 9:00-4:00 of one on one intense counseling.  It was expensive, but I was desperate and wanting to try anything.  I was hopeful this would work... I needed it to work!!  I went Monday through Thursday and when Friday came I was home and I hit a wall.  I wanted to feel different, I wanted all of my broken mind to be fixed and it wasn’t.  So that Friday I went into a major depressed state, the darkest day of the whole year of depression.  I begged Tim to take me to the hospital because I wasn’t safe and I knew I wasn't.   After navigating that night my friend Alicia, who saw me during it, was concerned something Spiritual was going on.  So she gathered our friends to pray for me that Saturday (February 14th).  These women prayed and instantly my mind was healed.  I knew it in the moment, and my friends knew it who prayed for me!!

Although the healing happened instantly, it still took some time to trust my mind, to feel comfortable being alone again, etc.  After a couple months I went off of my medicine, and slowly everything went back to normal.  Today marks 150 days since God healed my mind!  I can say honestly and truly that that is what happened.   I have not battled depression, suicide or anything of the sort since.  I still have sad days, my life isn’t perfect, but I am healed.  And it is because of God that I am!

I have wrestled through depression before and believe me I know it doesn't always turn out this way.  But I also have seen time and time again that God, the creator of the universe, wants to be part of our lives.  He was part of mine!!  He healed my mind and I am forever grateful for it!!

(Below is a picture of the app on my phone that I use to keep track of God healing me. The picture is from when I told my story to my First Glance students a few weeks later.)