"Never"

When Tim and I got engaged, we took pre-marriage classes at The Chapel.  There are a handful of lessons I remember from those classes.  One of which was to never use words like "never" and "always." The temptation is to say, "You never do the dishes," when really that isn't true.  This is something I have always remember and have applied to almost every relationship: marriage, friendships, leadership role, etc.  Over and over I have trained my brain to never use the word never.

But in the past three months I have had to retrain my brain.  I am forced to say never and my mind doesn't want to.  It can't comprehend it.  It doesn't want it to be true.

I went to the grave yesterday and had the realization that I will never get to hold my son again.   I will live all my days on earth and never hold Enoch again.  Never.

I will never hear him cry.  This one is particularly sad for me because Tim used to say before Enoch was born, "Noelle we are going to have a good baby.  He's never going to cry."  I told Tim he was crazy for thinking that. We didn't know that Tim would be right.

Our family and friends will never babysit our son.   They will never offer to watch him, send me selfies, or tell me how he behaved while were away.  Never.

He will never wear converse.  I have several colors, all sizes for all ages, but he will never need any of them.  Never.

Every month I take this pictures of how many months old he is.  I will never take a picture that will look different than a gravesite shot.  Never a new pose or outfit or background.  Every month, every year, every picture will be at his gravesite.

He is never coming back.  I ask my friends sometimes if that's true.  I need to see it, read it, or hear that he really is never coming back, because my brain can't comprehend it, it just seems too awful to be true.

These "never"  statements are heartbreakingly sad and yet I have to remind myself of them.  Even while at myrtle beach for a minute my mind thought "what if he comes home and I'm not there."    Fifteen years of training my brain never to say never, and three months of retraining my brain to try and comprehend that with Enoch, never is true.  

Beyond appreciation

Every year First Glance hosts a volunteer appreciation dinner for all of our volunteers.  I really wholeheartedly believe we have the best volunteers in all of Akron.  They do so much for First Glance, our community and our students.  So each year we attempt to honor and appreciate them for all they do.  And with that I have the privilege of doing a short presentation of thanks and highlights.  

The challenge every year is to clearly and concisely articulate my deepest appreciation...

• For coming each week, even when they don't feel like it.
• For loving teens and young adults that don't always love you back.
• For moving their families into the community to love our students better and more often (45% of our volunteers now live in a one mile radius of FG).
• For showing up to countless court hearings, sporting events, birthday parties, plays, and anything else they are invited to.
• For investing their personal time and money to love and care for our students outside of FG.
• For giving countless rides to FG as well as other places.
• For coming back even after breaking up a fight.  
• For showing them the hope and love of Christ.
• The list could go on... and on... and on.  

We have amazing and dedicated volunteers and I am impressed constantly by what they do for First Glance.  

This year the volunteer appreciation dinner was even more humbling.  For years I have talked about this community of volunteers.  And almost every time I have talked about them I have bragged about how well they do to care for each other.  I've seen them drop groceries off to each other, loan household goods, buy each other cars, care for each other's kids and so much more.  In explaining the way our community loves one another I have always said, "if something ever happened to us,  I have no doubt that they would be first on the scene."  It's true.  At least 100 times I've said this phrase when giving FG tours or talking about this community of volunteers.  

When I woke up on December 8th I had no idea that I would be putting that phrase to the test.  I didn't know that at 11:35 I would begin to text a handful of them and ask for prayer.  I didn't know that within minutes our community would show up at the hospital.  I had no way of knowing what the next days and months would hold for Tim and I.  But I was right.  Something did happen to us and they were first on the scene.  They didn't only show up on December 8th, but they have walked with us for almost three months since.  They have brought us food, given us money for medical bills,  helped us host a funeral, clean up a tree in our backyard, given FG money in Enoch's name and so much more.  They did everything they could... even in a season when the doing feels empty because you can't fix it.  

There are NO words to express how humbled and appreciative Tim and I are at how the FG community loved, cared and supported us during the hardest season of our lives. 

And on Friday I stood before this group for our annual volunteer appreciation with a very different message of thanks than I ever anticipated giving.  I thanked them wholeheartedly for not only loving and caring for this community, but for loving and caring for Tim and I.  I am so amazingly humbled and grateful to serve along side each of these volunteers!

**Please note many others, including family and friends have been a great support as well!

Broken Legos

Every single day I go to visit Enoch's grave.  I need to.  And for whatever reason, every single day I take a picture.  I don't know why.  I just do.

I know the quickest, easiest way to get to the back of the cemetery where the little black converse and legos mark his grave.  

Everyday is pretty much the same.  I go, brush off any debris on those few items marking his gravesite, chat with him for a bit, and then leave.  It's what I do.  Every day.

On days that the shoes and legos are buried in snow, I find myself crying more.  Although several people have suggested putting them in a clear plastic box, I can't.  I need those items to not feel distant.  He's already so distant.  Plus it's the only thing I have to care for of Enoch's.  I am never going to bathe, feed or clothe my son, but at least I can care for the little black converse on his grave.  

One day recently as I drove around the bend and to his grave, I noticed things were out of place.  As I got closer, I saw that the legos were broken and upside down.  His shoes were dirty, and the ground beneath him had obviously been disturbed.  I fell apart.  What happened?  Who messed with his gravesite?  Why would they do that?  

I quickly text Tim a picture and asked most of the questions I stated above.  He called immediately and then came to comfort me.  As Tim investigated, he realized the cemetery needed to add additional dirt because the ground was sinking some.  That is what they did, but apparently not taking into account the impact their carelessness would have on this mom's heart.  

This Man

On New Years Eve it was the 17 year anniversary of our first date.  Tim and I have had a jam packed, adventure filled 17 years.  I'm grateful for all the years, even the really hard ones.  No matter the season, good or bad, three things have always been true:  he sincerely is the love of my life, I am really glad I married him, and I honestly always think he's the most attractive man in the room.  

The season of pregnancy was a good one for us!  He was thrilled to be a dad and took on the role of caring for the baby the only way he knew how, through caring for me.   From early on in pregnancy, even before I needed more help with things, Tim cared for me.  As I look back on those 9 months I see it as such a gift and such a blessing that he took on the dad role so seriously even before Enoch was born.  

In preparation...

I love that he had our whole household watch a video on the five S's in calming a baby.

*Our household = Two friends, Julie and Bethany and my nephew Johnny.

I love that afterward he made Bethany and I practice one of the S's by swaddling Julie. 

I love that he made all of us practice swaddling a stuffed moose.  

In the moment...

I love that he then swaddled Enoch.  There really is no way to express how much I loved him in the moment.

I love how much he loved and cared for Enoch.

I love how he was overprotective as any new dad would be.  

I love how he stayed up all night to be with our son for the few hours we were able to.

And now...
I love that he is by my side as we figure out this season of grief.
I love that he is my comfort in the middle of the night.
I love that he continues to care for me well even on his hard days.
I love that he is who is by my side when visiting Enoch's grave.

Most of all, I love that through 17 years of some extremely hard and many joyful days, that he continues to be the love of my life and the father of my child.

The Nursery

The door is closed to the nursery at our house.  Before we arrived home from the hospital friends took all the baby stuff throughout our house, neatly put it in that room and closed the door.  I don't open it.  I'm not quite ready to feel the void of what should be in that room.

In all honesty part of the reason I don't want to go in is because I have such good memories of getting the nursery ready.  For me it represents joy, anticipation, and projects with my husband and friends.  I smile when I think about:

• Tim and I having a hard time picking out a color for our room, so he let me pick the nursery color.  I chose gray, of course.

• Alicia helping me paint the nursery, since Tim hates painting.  I helped with trim, and she rolled it.  Two coats in two hours.  We were up against the clock, but don't worry we still made the meeting we were in charge of on time, with just a little paint on our skin.

• Going to Lauren's to get a pallet and hearing Xavier convinced he saw the helium balloon that Emery let go of a week earlier.
• The difficulty we had in taking apart the pallet...  It's a lot harder than it seems like it should be.
• Asking Tim and Andrew to help us attach the letters to the pallet project.  They may have laughed at and fixed some of our handiwork.
• The pizza party we threw to get so many friends to help us move all Tim's office stuff out of the soon to be nursery.  
• The many gifts piled in the room to the point where there was no where to walk.  Thanks to everyone who came to my four showers.  Yes, four! 
• Marlies' excitement to organize all the gifts, and even thanking me over an over for letting her have the "fun job."

• How much harder it was to get the dresser than anticipated and having to order it.  Who knew they don't keep those things in stock?
• Tim and I sitting on the floor forever putting together the dresser and crib.  It took forever even using Tim's drill instead of the itty bitty allen wrench they give you... We laughed about their time estimation.
• Alicia being a much better painter of the pallet than I was, but she never admitted it.
• Tim literally making 19 holes in the wall trying to hang the pallet.
• Tim doing a pull up on the pallet after it was hung, telling me he wanted to make sure it wasn't going to "fall and squish the baby."  

• Asking Tim to hang and then move the picture Ashely made for us.  
• Having Julie help us hang the converse shelf... Is it straight?

• Filling the dresser and putting everything in it's place.
• Putting on top the black t-shirt with tattoo sleeves that my family got the baby.  

• Tim laying on the changing table pretending to be a baby and crying.  

• Hanging pictures that Tim's family made during their shower for us.  

As I consider this pregnancy a gift, preparing a nursery fits in that category too.  Tim and I really enjoy doing projects together, and getting a space ready for our anticipated baby was all the more fun.  I am so grateful for that time with Tim as well as with the friends who helped.  

First Glance Turns 15!!

15 years ago yesterday my twenty-two year old self walked in to Kenmore Community center with five other volunteers, inflatable couches, a box of candy and a hope that at least three teenagers would show up to "First Glance".  I had absolutely no clue that that night would change my life.  A lot has changed since that night, buildings, programs, staff, and thousands of students, but the thing that has changed the most is me.  

This is the wall in my office.  Hundreds of pictures that represent only a portion of the memories and adventures of the last 15 years and through all of them I stand here today having learned so much.  Here are fifteen things I have learned in these fifteen years... some light and fun, some heavy and hard.  

1.  Have A Clean Up Plan:
If you're going to fill a skate park bowl full of leaves, have a good plan for getting them out of the building.  Our plan was not a good one.  

2.  Karen Freeman:
Sometimes I look back and wonder why Karen who was well beyond me in life and ministry ever decided to help me start First Glance, but she did.  She walked me through so much, taught me along the way and over the past 15 years has let me pretend I am in charge ;)  She has been an amazing mentor and friend and our memories, both good and hard, are countless together!  I am forever grateful for love and guidance and friendship!  

3.  I love them more than they know:
I sincerely love the teens and young adults who walk through our door.   I see all the potential they have!!!  It's so much!  I wish they could see what I see in each and every one of them! I care about them deeply while they are part of First Glance and beyond.  I think they assume I forget about them, but I don't!  I follow them on FB and I show up if something tragic happens and often their picture is on my office wall! 

4.  Best Road Trip Song:
This is and will forever be the best Road Trip song with a van full of girls.
https://youtu.be/cMWWBigvbkY

5.  Our Volunteers are Rock Stars!!

First Glance WOULD NOT be where we are today if it weren't for the men and women who have worked to help First Glance and to love everyone who comes there.  They mentor, love, clean, build, fix, cook, and and do anything else asked to make sure we are impacting this community in the greatest way.  Their love and dedication is shown by 90 regular volunteers coming each week, many for all 15 years.  In addition 42% have moved into Kenmore to be part of this community.     

6.  Funerals:
Sadly I have been to more funerals for those under the age of 25 than over.  Over the years I have learned what to anticipate with a young persons funeral.  It's something I wish I didn't know.  

7.  They are My Kids:
Those who attend First Glance I refer to as "my kids".  They aren't clients or patrons or projects or anything of the sort!  And if you tell me you want to donate something that you were going to throw away, "but it's good enough for your students" it will make me want to punch you in the face.  I will refrain from doing so, because I don't believe in violence, but I will want to :).  

8.  Prayer Changes Things:
I love lists, I love checking things off, I love all things accomplishing!  And over the years I have learned that the single best thing I can do for First Glance and for the teens and young adults who walk through our door is pray for them!  I have learned and have seen God answer prayers in a mighty way!!  So we have put in a prayer room, two technically, where we as a staff use it everyday to pray for our students by name!  I continue to wonder what will happen to this community in ten years if we pray every day for these students.  

9.  I'm Glad God Didn't Answer That Prayer:
If I'm honest there have been some disappointing times during First Glance when I've prayed for something and God didn't answer it the way I thought he should.  I specifically remember fasting, praying and very much pleading with God to give us a new building, he didn't.  It really affected me at the time, I couldn't understand!!  As I look back now I am SO GLAD he didn't give us that building.  Had he done so First Glance wouldn't exist today. We couldn't have afforded that building and I didn't know that then.  I'll be honest over the years there have a been quite a few times that I have struggled with this same thing, feeling like God should have been doing something he wasn't.  I now sincerely and genuinely trust that he always knows what is best.

10.  Be Obedient to the Next Step:
I was young and I had no clue what I was doing, and I really had no idea I was starting a non-profit organization.  From day one until now I simply did what needed to be done next... rent a larger building, find someone to start a new program, asked some nice people for money, etc.  I didn't start First Glance 15 years anticipating that we would own buildings, have staff, offer so many programs, etc... I simply did the next thing.

11.  Reunion Night:
Just a handful of months ago was Reunion Night, where we invited everyone back, both volunteers and students!!  300 people showed up and it sincerely was one of the best nights of my entire life!!  I love and miss them all... more than they know.

12.  This Man...
Tim and I got married in May and started First Glance in September of 2000.  He's been amazing as we started, grew, added programs, invited students to move in, built skate ramps, fixed computer problems, and so much more.  His love for God has allowed him to love me and those coming to our ministry well.  First Glance would not be where it is today without his love and support and him by my side.  

13.  Fights:
They happen sometimes.  Over the years I have learned how to break them up, even if those fighting are bigger than me.  If you ever need a lesson in such things just ask.

14.  God, the Creator of the Universe, Desires to Interact in Our Lives!
Something transformational in my life over the past 15 years is seeing God interact in the small details of life.  I have already told my story of how God healed my mind, marriage and body (click on the words to read), but I've also seen him show up time and time again at First Glance from providing large amounts of money at the last minute, to someone calling with the exact skill we needed on a building project, to answering even the smallest prayer.  I have so many amazing stories I wish I could go into detail of each of them.  

15.  I WANT EVERY STUDENT TO KNOW...
I want every student to know the hope and love of Jesus!  It's why I do what I do, not because my way is better, simply because I love them too much not to tell them of the amazing adventure it is to be a Christ follower.  


As I look at the past 15 years I am SO grateful!!!  I'm grateful for the students I have met, for the volunteers who have served along side me, for the adventures, the memories, and living life together in this community... most of all I am GRATEFUL to God for giving me a front row seat at what He is doing!!  I genuinely feel blessed and as though I have the best job in the world.  

God healed my body...

I'm pregnant!!

Yes, it's true!!

I'll let that soak in for a minute... it took me a minute too :)

I've been asked a lot about when I'm going to tell the world, meaning Facebook (you know because that's how you tell the world these days).  I've wrestled with this question, as this is such a greater story than Tim and I having a baby, therefore posting "I'm pregnant" seems to take away from what God did!

There's an amazing story of how God healed my mind (click here to read) and then my marriage (click here to read) and then we got pregnant!  If you read the other two posts you will understand the magnitude of what God did.

The short version is that we were told we couldn't have kids and as a result Tim and I walked through quite a hard journey!!  It caused me to become depressed and tension in our marriage.  But after a extremely hard and yet amazing refining period God did it!  God did it only as God can.  And as I look at it I am so grateful for it coming now.  It all makes sense... our marriage is better than ever,  I have a stronger confidence in who God created me to be, it really is the best timing.  I sincerely give ALL glory to God for what he did.

So now a baby is on the way... he or she is due on December 3rd and we are THRILLED!
No - we are not finding out the gender... I know some of you think this is mean.
Yes - the baby is giving a fist pump!
No - we are not naming him "Tim Beck Two" if it's a boy (despite Tim's desire to).

Please note that this is not always the way things work out!  I know this!!  In some ways it's too "happily ever after".  I don't tell this story (all parts) to say that if you follow Christ he will make everything right.  Why I tell this story is because I am CONFIDENT that God, the creator of the universe, wants to interact in our lives and he does!!  

God healed my marriage...

Last summer I was quite depressed and a large part of it was because Tim and I were walking through the hard journey of infertility, after several years of looking into adoption.  It seemed as if our last door to become parents was shut.  If I'm honest it was harder on our marriage than I could have ever anticipated!  Prior to this Tim and I had been through a few rough seasons that came and went over the course of several years.  So infertility was the straw that broke the camels back.  It was the most difficult season of marriage we have been through.

As we were slowly healing from the difficult summer, I became severely depressed.  Several months later God miraculously healed my mind!!  (click here to read about this crazy story) Following my mind being healed, God clearly told me to have a particular guy I knew pray for me.  This was bizarre as I didn't know him well, but since it kept coming to my mind I finally sent him a message to ask if he could pray for me.  He was gracious and willing, despite barely knowing me!  As we figured out details it made sense for Tim to join this night of prayer!

The night came and I didn't know what to expect.  But as we walked out of the room that night, it was clear that God wanted to heal our marriage during that time!  It was as if many of the lingering hurts and experiences we had walked through the previous 15 years of marriage were erased.  Our marriage was renewed and it was good!  It is in God's plan to redeem and renew and that's what He did... I'm still in awe of this!

A couple days later there was a reunion night planned for First Glance.  We reunited all FG students and volunteers from over the years.  It also was a great way that Tim and I reunited.  That week Tim and I spent a lot of time praying and talking about the night and doing ministry together once again.  It was during that week that God made it clear, through Tim that I should share the story of how God healed my mind.  And so from the stage of FG I shared my story, with Tim at my side.

I can say that the past several years have been hard, and ones I NEVER want to relive.  But at the same time I can confidently say that Tim and I are better than we ever have been.  It was a hard, refining process, but I'm so grateful for where we are at the end of it!