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"Never"

When Tim and I got engaged, we took pre-marriage classes at The Chapel.  There are a handful of lessons I remember from those classes.  One of which was to never use words like "never" and "always." The temptation is to say, "You never do the dishes," when really that isn't true.  This is something I have always remember and have applied to almost every relationship: marriage, friendships, leadership role, etc.  Over and over I have trained my brain to never use the word never.

But in the past three months I have had to retrain my brain.  I am forced to say never and my mind doesn't want to.  It can't comprehend it.  It doesn't want it to be true.

I went to the grave yesterday and had the realization that I will never get to hold my son again.   I will live all my days on earth and never hold Enoch again.  Never.

I will never hear him cry.  This one is particularly sad for me because Tim used to say before Enoch was born, "Noelle we are going to have a good baby.  He's never going to cry."  I told Tim he was crazy for thinking that. We didn't know that Tim would be right.

Our family and friends will never babysit our son.   They will never offer to watch him, send me selfies, or tell me how he behaved while were away.  Never.

He will never wear converse.  I have several colors, all sizes for all ages, but he will never need any of them.  Never.

Every month I take this pictures of how many months old he is.  I will never take a picture that will look different than a gravesite shot.  Never a new pose or outfit or background.  Every month, every year, every picture will be at his gravesite.

He is never coming back.  I ask my friends sometimes if that's true.  I need to see it, read it, or hear that he really is never coming back, because my brain can't comprehend it, it just seems too awful to be true.

These "never"  statements are heartbreakingly sad and yet I have to remind myself of them.  Even while at myrtle beach for a minute my mind thought "what if he comes home and I'm not there."    Fifteen years of training my brain never to say never, and three months of retraining my brain to try and comprehend that with Enoch, never is true.  

Beyond appreciation

Every year First Glance hosts a volunteer appreciation dinner for all of our volunteers.  I really wholeheartedly believe we have the best volunteers in all of Akron.  They do so much for First Glance, our community and our students.  So each year we attempt to honor and appreciate them for all they do.  And with that I have the privilege of doing a short presentation of thanks and highlights.  

The challenge every year is to clearly and concisely articulate my deepest appreciation...

• For coming each week, even when they don't feel like it.
• For loving teens and young adults that don't always love you back.
• For moving their families into the community to love our students better and more often (45% of our volunteers now live in a one mile radius of FG).
• For showing up to countless court hearings, sporting events, birthday parties, plays, and anything else they are invited to.
• For investing their personal time and money to love and care for our students outside of FG.
• For giving countless rides to FG as well as other places.
• For coming back even after breaking up a fight.  
• For showing them the hope and love of Christ.
• The list could go on... and on... and on.  

We have amazing and dedicated volunteers and I am impressed constantly by what they do for First Glance.  

This year the volunteer appreciation dinner was even more humbling.  For years I have talked about this community of volunteers.  And almost every time I have talked about them I have bragged about how well they do to care for each other.  I've seen them drop groceries off to each other, loan household goods, buy each other cars, care for each other's kids and so much more.  In explaining the way our community loves one another I have always said, "if something ever happened to us,  I have no doubt that they would be first on the scene."  It's true.  At least 100 times I've said this phrase when giving FG tours or talking about this community of volunteers.  

When I woke up on December 8th I had no idea that I would be putting that phrase to the test.  I didn't know that at 11:35 I would begin to text a handful of them and ask for prayer.  I didn't know that within minutes our community would show up at the hospital.  I had no way of knowing what the next days and months would hold for Tim and I.  But I was right.  Something did happen to us and they were first on the scene.  They didn't only show up on December 8th, but they have walked with us for almost three months since.  They have brought us food, given us money for medical bills,  helped us host a funeral, clean up a tree in our backyard, given FG money in Enoch's name and so much more.  They did everything they could... even in a season when the doing feels empty because you can't fix it.  

There are NO words to express how humbled and appreciative Tim and I are at how the FG community loved, cared and supported us during the hardest season of our lives. 

And on Friday I stood before this group for our annual volunteer appreciation with a very different message of thanks than I ever anticipated giving.  I thanked them wholeheartedly for not only loving and caring for this community, but for loving and caring for Tim and I.  I am so amazingly humbled and grateful to serve along side each of these volunteers!

**Please note many others, including family and friends have been a great support as well!

Privilege among the pain

God is using Enoch's little life and story to bring Him Glory.  That was my prayer for my son's life.  Over and over I would pray that his life would bring God glory and it is!  I won't pretend this is how I thought it would happen...  But it has and God is using Enoch.  I continue to have people telling me how they have been impacted by little Enoch's life.  I continue to have opportunities as well... to tell his story, to tell how being pregnant and meeting him was a gift.

If I'm honest in the darkness of night and on really hard days, the pain seems unbearable. 

And yet, there are moments when I get to share the hope and love of Jesus Christ.  

I get to talk about how it was all a gift.  

And in those moments I am energized and grateful for the privilege it is to be Enoch's mom.  

I am grateful that God uses this story of suffering to bring Him glory!

Don't you see?  It really is all a gift!

Recently, as I engage God, the theme that has come up over and over is suffering that turns to worship.  As I read 1 Peter, it points to this concept over and over.  These two verses stood out specifically.  

 

This song also has been an encouragement to me in the past couple of weeks... "Though the tears may fall my song will rise, my song will rise to you.  Though my heart may fail my song will rise, my song will rise to you."

And I will close with this quote from Mother Teresa, "Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen." 

Broken Legos

Every single day I go to visit Enoch's grave.  I need to.  And for whatever reason, every single day I take a picture.  I don't know why.  I just do.

I know the quickest, easiest way to get to the back of the cemetery where the little black converse and legos mark his grave.  

Everyday is pretty much the same.  I go, brush off any debris on those few items marking his gravesite, chat with him for a bit, and then leave.  It's what I do.  Every day.

On days that the shoes and legos are buried in snow, I find myself crying more.  Although several people have suggested putting them in a clear plastic box, I can't.  I need those items to not feel distant.  He's already so distant.  Plus it's the only thing I have to care for of Enoch's.  I am never going to bathe, feed or clothe my son, but at least I can care for the little black converse on his grave.  

One day recently as I drove around the bend and to his grave, I noticed things were out of place.  As I got closer, I saw that the legos were broken and upside down.  His shoes were dirty, and the ground beneath him had obviously been disturbed.  I fell apart.  What happened?  Who messed with his gravesite?  Why would they do that?  

I quickly text Tim a picture and asked most of the questions I stated above.  He called immediately and then came to comfort me.  As Tim investigated, he realized the cemetery needed to add additional dirt because the ground was sinking some.  That is what they did, but apparently not taking into account the impact their carelessness would have on this mom's heart.  

Converse

For those of you who don't know, I love converse shoes.  I have several pairs in different colors, I wear them almost every single day and I have full intentions of wearing them until I'm 80.  I love them.  I also knew our kid was going to love them... or at least wear them because I choose such things.  Since friends and family knew of my love for converse we received several pairs as gifts.  I even created a converse shelf to put them on in the nursery.

The other day my mother in law sent me pictures from my family shower.  I smiled and cried as I looked through them, especially these few below.  You see years ago I inadvertently would dress like my friend, Alicia's, son.  He often wore converse and shirts with superhero and so did I.  I'm ok admitting I dressed like a two year old.  Then her second son, who is my buddy, continued the pattern of dressing the same.  She would buy matching Akron shirts and I would buy converse or visa versa.

So at the shower she gave me all the old pairs of converse, along with the matching Akron shirts.  As I opened the gift I was overcome with emotion.  I could feel the tears welling up and my face getting red telling the women in the room about how I dressed like Isaiah and Xavier.  It wasn't that I used to dress like them that created this emotion deep within, it was the anticipation of her having a similar relationship with my son.  I couldn't wait for her to meet him.  I couldn't wait to make them dress alike.  And I couldn't wait for all of us to wear converse.

Not only did she give us the old converse and shirts, she also gave me brand new little black converse as well.  

I'm so grateful for those moments... for opening those converse with such joy and anticipation.  For creating a converse shelf and putting them on it.

After Enoch was buried it was hard for me to go to the gravesite because there was no gravestone nor any other marker.  Just an outline of dirt where they replaced a layer of grass.  I knew Enoch was there, but it seemed so sad with nothing else.

So one day as were headed to the grave I told Tim we had to take something... a toy, a truck, anything!  I asked him if we could stop at the store so his grave wasn't so empty and sad.  Then he suggested a pair of converse.  What a great idea! I immediately went into the nursery, one of few times I've been in, and grabbed a small pair of brand new black converse and with a sharpie wrote   Enoch's name and birthdate and placed them at the gravesite.  It wasn't until later that I realized they were the converse Alicia gave me.  Which really was perfect.

Enoch's shoes with the legos Isaiah made him

When at the shower little did I know that we would use those same shoes as a marker for his grave.  I'm glad I didn't know it then.  I'm glad that there was joy associated with those little converse that I love so much.  I'm glad for not knowing then, what I know now.  Because my heart couldn't have handled realizing he would never get to wear those little shoes.

My favorite room in the whole world

Since Enoch has died it's been a rough road of figuring out what the new normal is. Quite honestly I don't have the same emotional or physical energy as I once had.  In addition it's hard to care much about things that don't really matter.  In light of life and death, in light of little energy, it's hard to give much time to anything that doesn't have meaning and purpose.  

The good news is that I love my job.  I love it because it has purpose.  No matter what has happened to me in my personal life, I still love these students so much I have to tell them about the hope and love of Jesus.  In a world that is hopeless, I know and understand hope, which is the only thing I have to hold onto myself.  And it's the only thing I can offer to these teens and young adults.  

As I come back to work, I'm so thankful for a couple things in particular.

I get to come back to this room, the prayer room.  It literally is my favorite room in the whole world. I have come back several times since Enoch died, but now I get to come back everyday.   We created this prayer room years ago at First Glance in order for the staff to spend time in each day.  We realized that God could do more through prayer than we can do through just working in our office. 

I love it because the only thing I ever do in this room is interact with God.  I also love it because we have pictures of our students and pray for each of them by name.  I continue to wonder what happens to this community in 10 years if we pray for each of these teens and young adults by name?  

I'm also so grateful for the first major project to work on after coming back from my leave is our prayer event for First Glance.  I genuinely believe prayer changes things.  I genuinely believe that God can do amazing things in Kenmore through prayer.  So although I have little energy, I'm thankful I get to spend it planning this event I love and believe in so much.  

I'll be honest, in coming back to work some days are good, some days are hard, and some days it takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed.  On the really hard days I remind myself of the hope I have and want to offer.  And I love these students too much not to get out of bed and tell them of it.  

If any one of you has any interest in being part of the week long prayer event, please come be part!  Everyone is welcome to any of these.

• Sunday, March 13th 7:00-8:30 worship service at FG
• Every hour throughout the week our prayer rooms will be open to sign up for a prayer slot. Click here to sign up.  
• Sunday, March 20th 7:00-8:30 worship service at FG