"There is no heartbeat"

It was a struggle to get pregnant... We have been on a long, hard journey trying to have a family.  Adoption was on the table, then off.  Getting pregnant we were told was virtually impossible, and the whole thing took a toll on us both individually and within our marriage.

As we were coming to grips with it all, we suddenly we got pregnant.  This was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  At first, Tim was the excited one, and I was the terrified one.  I knew... I knew the statistics of miscarriages early in pregnancy.  I knew 5 weeks pregnant wasn't a reason to get excited yet.  I knew there were no guarantees.  At one point Tim told me I would eventually have to get excited.  I told him I would after the first trimester. 12 weeks and the chances of success improve, right?

It was Mother's Day at that time.  And this was a confusing day for me as I had initially planned on disappearing that day in sorrow.  Let's forget about it, and move on.  Now I'm pregnant but still so cautious.  I remember having a conversation with God the week leading up to Mother's Day, "God if I'm not going to have a kid next year for Mother's Day, if I'm going to have a miscarriage, could you make it happen before this Mother's Day."  I didn't want to walk into Mother's Day thinking "next year at this time..."

I made it through!  I made it through 12 weeks.  I made it to 17 weeks when I finally told my mom.    I made it to 21 weeks when we had an ultrasound and everything looked good!  I made it to 22 weeks when I told the world (you know, Facebook).

I attended my appointments every month, then every other week, then every week.  I was on track.  Blood pressure, baby's heartbeat, and measurements were all on track.  No concerns.  I left every appointment feeling good, healthy.  The baby was healthy.  I had no reason to doubt.  I had no reason to think anything differently.

40 weeks came, and I was having contractions.  I would be delivering a little boy or girl any day, and Tim and I were thrilled!  This was our long awaited baby, and we were ready to meet him/her.

Then Tuesday, December 8th, just a few days past my due date I walked out of the office and said to our administrative assistant, "I have an appointment, I'll be back in an hour."

I went to my house since I had a midwife who would come there occasionally.  My midwife's assistant was there that day.  I like her.  She is easy to talk to.  We went through the normal questions: blood pressure, measurements, etc.  Then we got to the heartbeat monitor.  She tried and tried but couldn't find a heartbeat.  Putting more jelly on my belly, she tried again.  Still nothing.  Once again, she put more jelly on and tried for a third time.  There was nothing.  Then she looked up and asked if I had felt the baby.  Truthfully I hadn't, but I had been having so many contractions that I wondered if it was all blending together.  I told her I hadn't, and she said I needed to go to the hospital for an ultrasound.  I began to cry.

I walked downstairs and through my tears told Tim I needed him upstairs.  He was on the phone.  He saw I was concerned and within a minute he walked into the kitchen, where I stood with my coat and boots already on.  He asked what was wrong.  I replied "they can't find the heartbeat we have to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound."  He started to cry, grabbed his forehead, and said "Oh no."  He put on his coat and boots, and within minutes we were headed to the hospital.

It doesn't take long to get there and in no time we had arrived.  Immediately they took us to a labor and delivery triage room.  A doctor came in soon after arriving and did an ultrasound.  Tim held my hand.  It was obvious.  I could see that our baby wasn't moving.  I could see that his/her heart wasn't beating.  The doctor looked at me and said, "I'm very sorry.  I have looked extensively, and there is no heartbeat."  All the medical staff walked out of the room so Tim and I could be alone.  I rolled toward him and began to cry.  My baby had died.  In 20 minutes  my life was wrecked.  Our hopes and dreams for this little baby were destroyed.

We still don't know exactly what happened.  Although I was growing and all signs seemed to be pointing to a normal, healthy pregnancy and baby, he was not.  It wasn't until he was born that we realized he stopped growing & developing early in the third trimester.   We still don't know the exact cause, but even if we had learned this earlier, it wouldn't have changed the outcome.  It was all a shock.

I replay that morning in my mind everyday, over and over.  I hear that phrase 1,000 times a day "there is no heartbeat."  I woke up that morning thinking I would go into labor in the next day or two.   Instead, by the end of the day, I would be induced and deliver our dead son, Enoch.

We didn't see it coming.  Three weeks later I continue to say, write, journal, and text "My baby died, I don't know how that happened."  My mind still can't completely comprehend that this is the end of this part of the story.

 

About this blog...

I have had a blog for a few years that I have added to throughout that time.  "A Front Row Seat..." It was thoughts of life & ministry which I started because I believe that I really do get a front row seat at what God does!  This was true then and continues to be true.

I have wondered in the past why people start new blogs.  I never quite got it and yet a few months back I felt like I needed to.  For me I felt like I had a new perspective and it merited a new blog.

You see my last blog was about having a front row seat at what God does.  It's true, I get to see God at work regularly through First Glance and life around me.  But at the beginning of this year I experienced God in a whole new way and it changed my perspective of Him.  Suddenly instead of just watching closely what he was doing, I realized how much God, the creator of the universe, wants to interact in our lives!

So although I started this blog "the greatest adventure of all" soon after finding out I was pregnant, it was never alluding to being a parent it's always been about the amazing adventure of being a Christ follower!! God interacting in our lives is the most fantastic thing I've ever experienced and I have to share it.

Please know I am by no means a writer, I am not looking for a bunch of followers, I simply need to write portions of what I experience.  Some are amazing ways God has shown up in life and ministry, some will be about the wrestling we are going through since Enoch died and probably some other stuff in between.  Thanks for reading and for your grace as a lot of what I write is simply processing.

Everything is a gift...

I wrote this post exactly 3 months before Enoch was born.  This is what it said.

I really wholeheartedly believe EVERYTHING IS A GIFT.  I haven't adopted this now that "everything in my life is good" or because I finally got pregnant.  It's something that has become more and more evident over time.  That we have come into this world with nothing, that we don't "deserve" anything. You see I've walked a lot of days on this earth angry or sad because something didn't go the way I thought it should... in timing, in outcome, etc.  The problem is I have spent a lot of those days feeling like "I deserve" something and people have encouraged this thought process saying things like, "you deserve a vacation", "you deserve a new car", "you deserve to be a mom" etc.  I understand the sentiment, but the truth is I don't deserve anything.  I entered this world because God allowed me to, he owes me nothing.  In fact, really I deserve damnation, but instead he blesses me, with life, breath, Tim, First Glance, food, etc.  More and more I realize how good these gifts are and I realize they really are GIFTS.  If for some reason some of these things are taken from me, I have no doubt I will mourn the loss of them.  I also know that it was a gift in the first place.  I work hard to keep my hands open to understand that God really is in control.

I had no clue when I wrote this that three months later I would deliver our son, Enoch, who's heart had stopped beating a couple days prior.  I have to say I'm glad I never published this blog.  I'm glad I forgot about it until just a few days ago.  I believed "everything is a gift" when everything was good and I believe it now that my world has been wrecked.  So when I talked about that idea at the funeral, it wasn't because it was the "nice Christian thing to say" it's because it's true for me... it was then, and is now.  

I understand being pregnant with Enoch, getting to meet him, holding him through the night... it was a gift!  

Please know as much as there are moments of peace that God has given us, that I do really see it all as a gift, it doesn't mean my heart isn't broken.  If I'm honest I spend a good chunk of my day in bed staring or crying or both.  I often text my friends "my baby died, I don't know how that happened" because I still can't believe it's true.  I miss Enoch with my whole being and the void of his absence is great.  It's heart breaking, I'm devastated and I feel the loss so very deeply.  

Tim and I live in these two worlds... peace knowing God is in control & seeing pregnancy as a gift, as well as feeling the deep pain of loss.  We talked about these two worlds at Enoch's funeral.  

And this is the last song we sang at the funeral... It is Well.

First Glance Turns 15!!

15 years ago yesterday my twenty-two year old self walked in to Kenmore Community center with five other volunteers, inflatable couches, a box of candy and a hope that at least three teenagers would show up to "First Glance".  I had absolutely no clue that that night would change my life.  A lot has changed since that night, buildings, programs, staff, and thousands of students, but the thing that has changed the most is me.  

This is the wall in my office.  Hundreds of pictures that represent only a portion of the memories and adventures of the last 15 years and through all of them I stand here today having learned so much.  Here are fifteen things I have learned in these fifteen years... some light and fun, some heavy and hard.  

1.  Have A Clean Up Plan:
If you're going to fill a skate park bowl full of leaves, have a good plan for getting them out of the building.  Our plan was not a good one.  

2.  Karen Freeman:
Sometimes I look back and wonder why Karen who was well beyond me in life and ministry ever decided to help me start First Glance, but she did.  She walked me through so much, taught me along the way and over the past 15 years has let me pretend I am in charge ;)  She has been an amazing mentor and friend and our memories, both good and hard, are countless together!  I am forever grateful for love and guidance and friendship!  

3.  I love them more than they know:
I sincerely love the teens and young adults who walk through our door.   I see all the potential they have!!!  It's so much!  I wish they could see what I see in each and every one of them! I care about them deeply while they are part of First Glance and beyond.  I think they assume I forget about them, but I don't!  I follow them on FB and I show up if something tragic happens and often their picture is on my office wall! 

4.  Best Road Trip Song:
This is and will forever be the best Road Trip song with a van full of girls.
https://youtu.be/cMWWBigvbkY

5.  Our Volunteers are Rock Stars!!

First Glance WOULD NOT be where we are today if it weren't for the men and women who have worked to help First Glance and to love everyone who comes there.  They mentor, love, clean, build, fix, cook, and and do anything else asked to make sure we are impacting this community in the greatest way.  Their love and dedication is shown by 90 regular volunteers coming each week, many for all 15 years.  In addition 42% have moved into Kenmore to be part of this community.     

6.  Funerals:
Sadly I have been to more funerals for those under the age of 25 than over.  Over the years I have learned what to anticipate with a young persons funeral.  It's something I wish I didn't know.  

7.  They are My Kids:
Those who attend First Glance I refer to as "my kids".  They aren't clients or patrons or projects or anything of the sort!  And if you tell me you want to donate something that you were going to throw away, "but it's good enough for your students" it will make me want to punch you in the face.  I will refrain from doing so, because I don't believe in violence, but I will want to :).  

8.  Prayer Changes Things:
I love lists, I love checking things off, I love all things accomplishing!  And over the years I have learned that the single best thing I can do for First Glance and for the teens and young adults who walk through our door is pray for them!  I have learned and have seen God answer prayers in a mighty way!!  So we have put in a prayer room, two technically, where we as a staff use it everyday to pray for our students by name!  I continue to wonder what will happen to this community in ten years if we pray every day for these students.  

9.  I'm Glad God Didn't Answer That Prayer:
If I'm honest there have been some disappointing times during First Glance when I've prayed for something and God didn't answer it the way I thought he should.  I specifically remember fasting, praying and very much pleading with God to give us a new building, he didn't.  It really affected me at the time, I couldn't understand!!  As I look back now I am SO GLAD he didn't give us that building.  Had he done so First Glance wouldn't exist today. We couldn't have afforded that building and I didn't know that then.  I'll be honest over the years there have a been quite a few times that I have struggled with this same thing, feeling like God should have been doing something he wasn't.  I now sincerely and genuinely trust that he always knows what is best.

10.  Be Obedient to the Next Step:
I was young and I had no clue what I was doing, and I really had no idea I was starting a non-profit organization.  From day one until now I simply did what needed to be done next... rent a larger building, find someone to start a new program, asked some nice people for money, etc.  I didn't start First Glance 15 years anticipating that we would own buildings, have staff, offer so many programs, etc... I simply did the next thing.

11.  Reunion Night:
Just a handful of months ago was Reunion Night, where we invited everyone back, both volunteers and students!!  300 people showed up and it sincerely was one of the best nights of my entire life!!  I love and miss them all... more than they know.

12.  This Man...
Tim and I got married in May and started First Glance in September of 2000.  He's been amazing as we started, grew, added programs, invited students to move in, built skate ramps, fixed computer problems, and so much more.  His love for God has allowed him to love me and those coming to our ministry well.  First Glance would not be where it is today without his love and support and him by my side.  

13.  Fights:
They happen sometimes.  Over the years I have learned how to break them up, even if those fighting are bigger than me.  If you ever need a lesson in such things just ask.

14.  God, the Creator of the Universe, Desires to Interact in Our Lives!
Something transformational in my life over the past 15 years is seeing God interact in the small details of life.  I have already told my story of how God healed my mind, marriage and body (click on the words to read), but I've also seen him show up time and time again at First Glance from providing large amounts of money at the last minute, to someone calling with the exact skill we needed on a building project, to answering even the smallest prayer.  I have so many amazing stories I wish I could go into detail of each of them.  

15.  I WANT EVERY STUDENT TO KNOW...
I want every student to know the hope and love of Jesus!  It's why I do what I do, not because my way is better, simply because I love them too much not to tell them of the amazing adventure it is to be a Christ follower.  


As I look at the past 15 years I am SO grateful!!!  I'm grateful for the students I have met, for the volunteers who have served along side me, for the adventures, the memories, and living life together in this community... most of all I am GRATEFUL to God for giving me a front row seat at what He is doing!!  I genuinely feel blessed and as though I have the best job in the world.  

God healed my body...

I'm pregnant!!

Yes, it's true!!

I'll let that soak in for a minute... it took me a minute too :)

I've been asked a lot about when I'm going to tell the world, meaning Facebook (you know because that's how you tell the world these days).  I've wrestled with this question, as this is such a greater story than Tim and I having a baby, therefore posting "I'm pregnant" seems to take away from what God did!

There's an amazing story of how God healed my mind (click here to read) and then my marriage (click here to read) and then we got pregnant!  If you read the other two posts you will understand the magnitude of what God did.

The short version is that we were told we couldn't have kids and as a result Tim and I walked through quite a hard journey!!  It caused me to become depressed and tension in our marriage.  But after a extremely hard and yet amazing refining period God did it!  God did it only as God can.  And as I look at it I am so grateful for it coming now.  It all makes sense... our marriage is better than ever,  I have a stronger confidence in who God created me to be, it really is the best timing.  I sincerely give ALL glory to God for what he did.

So now a baby is on the way... he or she is due on December 3rd and we are THRILLED!
No - we are not finding out the gender... I know some of you think this is mean.
Yes - the baby is giving a fist pump!
No - we are not naming him "Tim Beck Two" if it's a boy (despite Tim's desire to).

Please note that this is not always the way things work out!  I know this!!  In some ways it's too "happily ever after".  I don't tell this story (all parts) to say that if you follow Christ he will make everything right.  Why I tell this story is because I am CONFIDENT that God, the creator of the universe, wants to interact in our lives and he does!!  

God healed my marriage...

Last summer I was quite depressed and a large part of it was because Tim and I were walking through the hard journey of infertility, after several years of looking into adoption.  It seemed as if our last door to become parents was shut.  If I'm honest it was harder on our marriage than I could have ever anticipated!  Prior to this Tim and I had been through a few rough seasons that came and went over the course of several years.  So infertility was the straw that broke the camels back.  It was the most difficult season of marriage we have been through.

As we were slowly healing from the difficult summer, I became severely depressed.  Several months later God miraculously healed my mind!!  (click here to read about this crazy story) Following my mind being healed, God clearly told me to have a particular guy I knew pray for me.  This was bizarre as I didn't know him well, but since it kept coming to my mind I finally sent him a message to ask if he could pray for me.  He was gracious and willing, despite barely knowing me!  As we figured out details it made sense for Tim to join this night of prayer!

The night came and I didn't know what to expect.  But as we walked out of the room that night, it was clear that God wanted to heal our marriage during that time!  It was as if many of the lingering hurts and experiences we had walked through the previous 15 years of marriage were erased.  Our marriage was renewed and it was good!  It is in God's plan to redeem and renew and that's what He did... I'm still in awe of this!

A couple days later there was a reunion night planned for First Glance.  We reunited all FG students and volunteers from over the years.  It also was a great way that Tim and I reunited.  That week Tim and I spent a lot of time praying and talking about the night and doing ministry together once again.  It was during that week that God made it clear, through Tim that I should share the story of how God healed my mind.  And so from the stage of FG I shared my story, with Tim at my side.

I can say that the past several years have been hard, and ones I NEVER want to relive.  But at the same time I can confidently say that Tim and I are better than we ever have been.  It was a hard, refining process, but I'm so grateful for where we are at the end of it!

God healed my mind...

I started this blog because I have to tell this story... I have to tell the story of how God healed my mind, my marriage and my body.  

Last year was a hard year, some may say that's an understatement, I was depressed for a good chunk of the year.  Some of the depression that came was due to outside circumstances that I just needed to work through and as I made it through the summer into fall the depression was lifting.  Unfortunately in November a much deeper anxiety and depression hit.  One that didn’t make logical sense and was deeper and darker than I had ever experienced.   

At that point I was fairly happy with life, my marriage, my job, First Glance, living in Kenmore, etc.  I could articulate that I really liked life, but at the same time was having anxiety attacks and felt suicidal (for no good reason).  I battled hard in my mind, for months.  I genuinely believed the world would be better without me.  I did EVERYTHING in my power to make it better.  I committed to counseling every week, I went on both depression and anxiety medicine, I committed to working out (for my mind more than my body), and I spent time with God FIRST thing.   I knew something was off and I kept telling Tim, I know I shouldn’t think this way, but my mind is broken.  That’s how it felt, so very broken.   In all honesty the default of my mind was suicide... if I had alone time, a few extra minutes unplanned, etc. I was looking up ways to kill myself.  It took EVERYTHING I had to keep those thoughts at bay.  I could stay afloat, but was fighting hard to do so.

Finally I found an intensive counseling place.  Four straight days 9:00-4:00 of one on one intense counseling.  It was expensive, but I was desperate and wanting to try anything.  I was hopeful this would work... I needed it to work!!  I went Monday through Thursday and when Friday came I was home and I hit a wall.  I wanted to feel different, I wanted all of my broken mind to be fixed and it wasn’t.  So that Friday I went into a major depressed state, the darkest day of the whole year of depression.  I begged Tim to take me to the hospital because I wasn’t safe and I knew I wasn't.   After navigating that night my friend Alicia, who saw me during it, was concerned something Spiritual was going on.  So she gathered our friends to pray for me that Saturday (February 14th).  These women prayed and instantly my mind was healed.  I knew it in the moment, and my friends knew it who prayed for me!!

Although the healing happened instantly, it still took some time to trust my mind, to feel comfortable being alone again, etc.  After a couple months I went off of my medicine, and slowly everything went back to normal.  Today marks 150 days since God healed my mind!  I can say honestly and truly that that is what happened.   I have not battled depression, suicide or anything of the sort since.  I still have sad days, my life isn’t perfect, but I am healed.  And it is because of God that I am!

I have wrestled through depression before and believe me I know it doesn't always turn out this way.  But I also have seen time and time again that God, the creator of the universe, wants to be part of our lives.  He was part of mine!!  He healed my mind and I am forever grateful for it!!

(Below is a picture of the app on my phone that I use to keep track of God healing me. The picture is from when I told my story to my First Glance students a few weeks later.)