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"Never"

When Tim and I got engaged, we took pre-marriage classes at The Chapel.  There are a handful of lessons I remember from those classes.  One of which was to never use words like "never" and "always." The temptation is to say, "You never do the dishes," when really that isn't true.  This is something I have always remember and have applied to almost every relationship: marriage, friendships, leadership role, etc.  Over and over I have trained my brain to never use the word never.

But in the past three months I have had to retrain my brain.  I am forced to say never and my mind doesn't want to.  It can't comprehend it.  It doesn't want it to be true.

I went to the grave yesterday and had the realization that I will never get to hold my son again.   I will live all my days on earth and never hold Enoch again.  Never.

I will never hear him cry.  This one is particularly sad for me because Tim used to say before Enoch was born, "Noelle we are going to have a good baby.  He's never going to cry."  I told Tim he was crazy for thinking that. We didn't know that Tim would be right.

Our family and friends will never babysit our son.   They will never offer to watch him, send me selfies, or tell me how he behaved while were away.  Never.

He will never wear converse.  I have several colors, all sizes for all ages, but he will never need any of them.  Never.

Every month I take this pictures of how many months old he is.  I will never take a picture that will look different than a gravesite shot.  Never a new pose or outfit or background.  Every month, every year, every picture will be at his gravesite.

He is never coming back.  I ask my friends sometimes if that's true.  I need to see it, read it, or hear that he really is never coming back, because my brain can't comprehend it, it just seems too awful to be true.

These "never"  statements are heartbreakingly sad and yet I have to remind myself of them.  Even while at myrtle beach for a minute my mind thought "what if he comes home and I'm not there."    Fifteen years of training my brain never to say never, and three months of retraining my brain to try and comprehend that with Enoch, never is true.  

Beyond appreciation

Every year First Glance hosts a volunteer appreciation dinner for all of our volunteers.  I really wholeheartedly believe we have the best volunteers in all of Akron.  They do so much for First Glance, our community and our students.  So each year we attempt to honor and appreciate them for all they do.  And with that I have the privilege of doing a short presentation of thanks and highlights.  

The challenge every year is to clearly and concisely articulate my deepest appreciation...

• For coming each week, even when they don't feel like it.
• For loving teens and young adults that don't always love you back.
• For moving their families into the community to love our students better and more often (45% of our volunteers now live in a one mile radius of FG).
• For showing up to countless court hearings, sporting events, birthday parties, plays, and anything else they are invited to.
• For investing their personal time and money to love and care for our students outside of FG.
• For giving countless rides to FG as well as other places.
• For coming back even after breaking up a fight.  
• For showing them the hope and love of Christ.
• The list could go on... and on... and on.  

We have amazing and dedicated volunteers and I am impressed constantly by what they do for First Glance.  

This year the volunteer appreciation dinner was even more humbling.  For years I have talked about this community of volunteers.  And almost every time I have talked about them I have bragged about how well they do to care for each other.  I've seen them drop groceries off to each other, loan household goods, buy each other cars, care for each other's kids and so much more.  In explaining the way our community loves one another I have always said, "if something ever happened to us,  I have no doubt that they would be first on the scene."  It's true.  At least 100 times I've said this phrase when giving FG tours or talking about this community of volunteers.  

When I woke up on December 8th I had no idea that I would be putting that phrase to the test.  I didn't know that at 11:35 I would begin to text a handful of them and ask for prayer.  I didn't know that within minutes our community would show up at the hospital.  I had no way of knowing what the next days and months would hold for Tim and I.  But I was right.  Something did happen to us and they were first on the scene.  They didn't only show up on December 8th, but they have walked with us for almost three months since.  They have brought us food, given us money for medical bills,  helped us host a funeral, clean up a tree in our backyard, given FG money in Enoch's name and so much more.  They did everything they could... even in a season when the doing feels empty because you can't fix it.  

There are NO words to express how humbled and appreciative Tim and I are at how the FG community loved, cared and supported us during the hardest season of our lives. 

And on Friday I stood before this group for our annual volunteer appreciation with a very different message of thanks than I ever anticipated giving.  I thanked them wholeheartedly for not only loving and caring for this community, but for loving and caring for Tim and I.  I am so amazingly humbled and grateful to serve along side each of these volunteers!

**Please note many others, including family and friends have been a great support as well!

Privilege among the pain

God is using Enoch's little life and story to bring Him Glory.  That was my prayer for my son's life.  Over and over I would pray that his life would bring God glory and it is!  I won't pretend this is how I thought it would happen...  But it has and God is using Enoch.  I continue to have people telling me how they have been impacted by little Enoch's life.  I continue to have opportunities as well... to tell his story, to tell how being pregnant and meeting him was a gift.

If I'm honest in the darkness of night and on really hard days, the pain seems unbearable. 

And yet, there are moments when I get to share the hope and love of Jesus Christ.  

I get to talk about how it was all a gift.  

And in those moments I am energized and grateful for the privilege it is to be Enoch's mom.  

I am grateful that God uses this story of suffering to bring Him glory!

Don't you see?  It really is all a gift!

Recently, as I engage God, the theme that has come up over and over is suffering that turns to worship.  As I read 1 Peter, it points to this concept over and over.  These two verses stood out specifically.  

 

This song also has been an encouragement to me in the past couple of weeks... "Though the tears may fall my song will rise, my song will rise to you.  Though my heart may fail my song will rise, my song will rise to you."

And I will close with this quote from Mother Teresa, "Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen."